I've had a thought on my mind lately about marriage. Well, duh, of course I have, I'm engaged. But it's not just about the marriage I will have with my partner in crime, but marriage in general. Are there rules to marriage? Traditionally, there are aspects to marriage/ partnerships that society directs in movies and television. The problem is, marriage isn't what it used to be anymore. People don't get married because they have to, or to survive because it's what you need to do. I don't see anyone being married off at 16 anymore...of course to me, even 20 and 21 seems young. Hell, me being engaged at 22 is mind blowing.
These days, people are getting married, and then divorced, for all sorts of reasons. "Love" is the first thing that comes to mind, but is that enough? I'm not sure that it is with all of the divorces happening. Yes, there are marriage counselors and other marriage helping "tools" these days but yet the divorce rate doesn't seem to be getting any lower. At this point, my fiance and I are of the minority, having parents that are still married...to their FIRST and only spouses. We are part of "traditional" families, not blended or mixed with step-anythings. So with that in mind, how do you know when you're ready for marriage? When is the right time to be married? Do things change when you are married and if they do, how do you handle it? Divorce? I sure hope not.
I have seen couples make things work without being married when they get into situations where, in the past, people HAD to get married. For example, I know of couples that are living together to raise their families and they aren't married. They are there for each other but they are not bound by a piece of paper...or at least that's what I used to think was the only thing that separated married couples from non-married couples. It doesn't matter what I thought though because that's actually becoming the norm.
I don't know why those couples don't get married, but it would be more interesting to find out than why people get divorced. Irreconcilable differences is what I call bullshit and an easy-way-out of marriage. That sounds cruel but here are my reasons, and they of course go against tradition:
1) Before getting married, live with the person for at least 6 months or even a year! People are thinking the traditional way of waiting to live together until they get married is going to keep them from getting divorced and they don't want to upset their family traditions. Tradition works for some people, but these days divorce seems to be so easy that it makes marriage look like a game. So make sure you can live with someone before you make your relationship legal. Think about it: you are going from seeing someone often to living with them 24/7. It's a pretty big difference. If you've never spent the night together, you'll learn that he doesn't like the same cereal you do, or that he has to drink whole milk and you like skim milk (eww) or something. One person could be a slob and the other person a neat freak. Trust me, the differences will add up if you don't know what they are and learn to handle them together.
2) Opposites can attract, but attraction doesn't always make a successful marriage. No, I'm not married yet but I'm an amazing person of observation and I've seen the good and bad of too many relationships not to realize these things. If someone "completes" you by being your counterpart, then great. But make sure he or she has similarities in the life changing decision department. This is a HUGE reason for divorce; if you can't agree on where to live, how many children you want (or if you want any) and what kind of timeline you want for yourselves, then it may not work out. Don't set your relationship up for failure.
3) Fighting is not the end of the world, you just need to pick your battles. This is a lesson that took a while for me to learn, and I'm still improving on it. But couples will fight about the dumbest things I have ever heard! They aren't even important things. Life is too short, if you want to argue with someone to the point of knock down-drag out fighting for the rest of your life, maybe you shouldn't get married. Try living with the person but don't make it legally binding.
4) I sound like I'm out of my generation saying this but people don't know how to communicate anymore, hence the need for counselors and divorces being the result of marriages. You need to have an open and honest relationship with the person you want to marry. At the same time, you both need to learn how to take a step back and realize what the other person needs. For example, my fiance and I are Scottish(him) and Irish(me)...if you don't know what that means I am so so sorry. For those of you who do know what that means, you know that if both parties are angry at one another, everyone else should probably clear the room. We love to be stubborn as much as we love each other. Communication is something we have to work on everyday, but we both know that sometimes we each need like 30 minutes or an hour of being left alone to think about why we're angry before talking to each other again.
5) With communication on the table, you need to talk about money. You have heard this over and over and over again because it is 100% true! So many divorces happen because people can't agree or have problems with money. Before you live together, have a plan of who pays what bills and stick to it. Have a back up plan of what will happen if one of you loses your job. Make sure your bills are less than what you make a month and don't get in over your head. PLAN PLAN PLAN! Budgets are awesome too, but the key is to be on the same page, even if you have to write it out. I would love to set a date for our wedding right now but we decided to get a house first, which is a major expense. I also have student loans to pay. We can't have the wedding we want without planning and making sure we don't get in over our heads.
With all of my ranting there, I would like to add that marriage is something wonderful and should be fun. Yes, there is a lot of work involved but you have to be realistic about those kinds of things in order for a relationship to be long lasting and for both people in it to be HAPPY. That is what it comes down to: happiness. So the next time you throw out to your spouse that you want a divorce over which color to paint the kitchen, only because of all of the frustrations you have built up inside of you and never talked about, think about communicating first. One of these days one of you will say "divorce" and you'll regret it. So know who you love, and love who you know and communicate.
Words to live by? I know I will anyway...
Till next time
KNG :)
