"B" Assertive

I have come to realize I've been complaining a LOT lately-- obviously not here ha, it's been a while. Every day I've been exploring my mind trying to figure out why I'm not absolutely happy with everything I have in my life. I defeated college by graduating with a Bachelor's degree, in exactly four years: a huge goal of mine! I have family that loves me, a man who loves me enough to, for some strange reason, want to marry me (he's reading this hehe). I have a full time job with benefits, even though the hours are not ideal (most of my complaining). I actually have the chance to become an aunt, which I never thought would be possible after I lost my sister, to my fiance's sister's children (second one is gonna be here tomorrow!).

So, with all of that, what in the hell is wrong with me? Do I need a vacation? Yes, but who doesn't? I'm beginning to think that even though I thought any voids inside of me had been filled, that maybe there's still something missing. It's not anyone's fault, and no one is not enough for me because honestly the people in my life are there for a reason...because I want them to be!

There are two events in the last 3 days that have started to give me a different perspective on my life and have helped me to start figuring out what it is I need so desperately. The first one happened at the end of my shift Monday night.

An emergency came in at about 30 minutes before we were supposed to close the hospital. Now before I begin this story, I have to say I'm not a cat person...at all! Good lord, I have such bad luck with cats that one bit me at work and I had to go to the doctor for 2 shots (I hate needles). Anyway, a woman brought a cat into the hospital. It was barely moving, more swimming in the air. I followed procedures and immediately brought the poor thing to the back of the hospital while the woman checked in. As I watched the doctor check the pet's vital signs, I had an overwhelming feeling rush over me. At first I was intrigued, I had not been in the back of the hospital during an emergency yet. After the doctor checked over the cat, I lifted it up in its creme colored towel and held it like a baby. As I looked down at the wound on its head and saw how helpless it was, I couldn't help but imagine what happened to it. The cat was still trying to fight with the last bit it had left in it to fight, but it had been declawed and couldn't scratch me.

I held the cat close to my body, feeling every agonizing breath it took. When the decision came that the cat couldn't be saved, I was secretly devastated. I held the cat close before I put it in one of the kennels as instructed by the doctor. When I closed the door the cat went ballistic fighting to get away. I felt my heart sink down to my stomach. The coward in me left the room as quickly as I could to leave at the end of my shift. I drove home thinking about the cat and how horrible it felt not to be able to do anything to help it.   For some reason that sparked the first idea I came up with for myself.

I felt a huge sense that the world was bigger than I keep thinking it to be and that on my days off, I need to do more that "relax before the next time I have to work." I decided to come up with 3 goals for myself that I have to accomplish everyday, so I'm not sitting on my ass watching reruns of Boy Meets World and stuffing my face when I'm bored on my days off. These first two days of goals went pretty well. I'm not expecting miracles, but for some reason I felt like that still wasn't enough.

The second event happened today when my dad and I went to Barnes and Noble to get my mom something for Christmas (no worries, she is not reading this). The cashier asked my dad if he wanted to purchase a stuffed toy or book to donate to the children's hospital. My dad, not having the extra money, declined. For some strange reason, I felt the need to inquire which hospital and what the children needed, and if I needed to purchase something in the store in order to donate. I was barely listening before I pulled out my debit card and chose a book off the shelf. I chose one of the Junie B. Jones books...I loved those when I was younger. I realized in that moment how much of a need I have to help kids. If I wasn't at the pet hospital right now, I hope I would be working with a children's organization. If I was working with a children's organization, I would be volunteering with animals. I don't know what it is but those are my weaknesses. Why did I have to be the color blue in that career test I took in college?

So before I started typing up tonight's post, I started looking for jobs like I have been that last few weeks and something else clicked...why don't I just put up with my hours (this is going to suck, but it's money right now) and apply to volunteer for a while instead? That's what I need I think. I need to make a difference, because I've always felt better when I did. Seeing the joy in someone's face because I was able to help is all the payment I would need if I didn't have bills.

I'm hoping this little adventure will work out for the best, and hopefully I will start feeling better about my life. Giving back isn't just something you should feel like you have to do like when you're in school and have to do it for a grade. I think it only really counts when you have a WANT and NEED to do it, for others and for yourself. As of right now I have applied to a local organization that has volunteers come and help students with reading. I love to read and I love to teach, so I figured why not start there?

KNG :)